When I grow up...

I'm not sure what to write.

Um, I'm working at Moonwinks now. And trying to get a full time job so I can get a car. That is a need in my life rite now.

I'm doing more art then i used to. I like that part. I am also trying to get more in touch with myself. I think everyone needs to do that. I'm just a little overdue.

Other things are going on im just not sure i shoudl write about it yet. It's all confusing. Luckily in the good way.

It's a trap...

I feel so trapped...
Don't get me wrong, I love that I get to be around my family, family being both mom and dad and Kami's whole family. I love that I get to be with them all again, it's easier to breath here. However, I feel so trapped rite now. I miss the freedom of my own apartment and being in town and being able to go places. I miss the options. I also miss the physical interaction with new people, and changing scenery by more then two minutes away. I need a job and a car. I need more freedom. I need to get outr and do something and see new places again. I miss the mental stimulation of going new places.
i've been home for a week and already I'm going crazy.
Someone please put me out of my misery.
Or get me a job.
So I am reevaluating a lot of my life quite a bit these days...

I need to warn everyone that some changes in my life may be happening soon. I am not sure when.

The people who know me best know that I have been getting increasingly more and more depressed over the past year. I have not been myself. I have been better then last year, much better, but still not back to what I used to be, and now it is starting to get worse. I need to change some things.

i am sorry if this sounds cryptic, or over dramatic. But I assure you I am not going to rush in to anything to fast or too dumb, I have learned from the past I assure you. I just need to do something, something drastic maybe, to be happy again. To be the old me. And some things are holding me back from that.

Not everyone may approve of my decisions. Some people may be upset, but I assure you, if what i am afraid is going to happen, happens... I assure you i will not be happy, not at first, and it's going to be a struggle for a while, and it may not be the best way to go about this, but, as you all know I am a bit to stubborn to not do it my way.

If you want more info, well, I may or may not tell you all of the details. It honestly depends on who is asking. But please, just call me, and keep it low key, don't make a big deal out of it please. I have my reasons for asking you to do that.

Love you all,
confused and regretful

Thou Shalt Not Wish Your Girlfriend Was A Freak Like Me

So the job has been going great, and is getting even better. On Monday I will officially be a day stocker. I will awaken at 3 am and arrive at the store at 4 am. Where upon arrival I will begin stocking shelves, until 7 when I get to just walk around and talk to people until 1 pm. It's going to be tuff to get used to that schedule, but it's going to be worth it. I will get every single weekend off, garenteed and a full 40 hours every week, plus i may be getting an increase in pay. To me, the ability to have my own time to be with the people i love will be worth it, plus this way some weekends this summer I can go back to Clarksville and see the people i love (mom, dad, heather, kami, al) and I will be makin a lot of money. lol i like that.

Other then that things have been going pretty great. Iv'e got some more friends through work, am earning a living, finally, and just feel happier. Well, I think that I'm going to peace out though. I have to take a shower and then I'm going to go take a bike ride through this cute little town and get a water bottle for work.

Love you all!!

Iko Iko

I'm gonna set your flag on fire!

not really though.
I'm doing a lot better now though. Sorry about the depression in the last post, some things where getting to me and a lot compiled and I just kinda crashed for a little while. I'm a lot better now though thankfully.

I have a job now. I'm a cashier at Lowe's. It's not a huge glamorous job but it pays the bills and I think I'm going to enjoy it. The people seem nice, and I will get to talk to people as they check out. The only downside is that I'm going to have to work all of fourth of July weekend. But hey it could be a lot worse. I could have no job at all.

To celebrate the new job I went out and bought a new Zune since my old one bit the dust. This one is under warranty and I'm buying a case for it so the screen won't get all F-ed up again. I think that that is a good investment.

Other then that, Max and I are doing well. We are going to a Memorial day piknik with his family on Monday. On Saturday we are going to a dojo to check and see if we would enjoy going there for classes. I'm working on some artwork again, and as soon as my first piece is finished I'll post a pick of it, promise. Also I'm reading again. It's been a while since I actually finished a book. The most recent one i finished was Neil Gaiman's book, The Graveyard Book. I loved it. Now I am rereading his book, American Gods, and at the same time reading Christopher Moore's newest book, Fool.

I'm starting to again do the things that realy make me happy. And so of coarse I am feeling happier. It's one of those 1+1=2 things I guess. And silly me, I'm horrible at math so it never clicked I guess.

Have a good day, and do something that makes you happy today

The Rose

Semester ended on Friday for me. So now I'm at the apartment untill i can get a job. I had an inerview at lowes on friday as well, the job looks promising, they seemed to like me. I don't care what job i get rite now, I'm just dying to get another job. I can't stay home like this any longer, and I only have so much money in the bank...

In the end i know that everything is going to be ok. It's just going to take some time to fix, and mend and all. I think I'm just tired rite now. Well these past few weeks I've been tired actually. I'm not really sure where this post is going rite now...

I am ok, and in the end I know i will continue to be ok. I'm strong, a lot stronger than even i think, and I'm confidant that no matter what, I'm always going to be ok. After all I'm not the type to give up easily.

I don't know rite now i seem to just be rambling...

Life is going... ok

So it's old news that as of two weeks ago yesterday i lost my job. I was out a week for surgery, which had I had discussed with my employer months in advance. Then I was in the emergency room a week in with complications, part of which was finding out the hard way that I am allergic to chodine. The stomach acid from throwing up for two days coating my scabbed over throat made it a bit harder to get beck on my feet. I gave all the paperwork to my employers and explained in a raspy painful voice about the complications and that a few days from then was my new post op date, because my Doctor was worried with all the complications that there would be even more if I didn't get in rite away, which would mean a three hour drive to my home town for a doctors appointment. Upon returning for my first day beck for work on the 4th, they promptly fired me at 7 am, within minutes of walking in for my shift.

After walking away from Tim Horton's, pissed and upset at the world, I promptly headed to Starbucks for a GOOD cup of coffee, which the amazing woman working behind the counter gave to me for free. She is amazing. I then proceeded to call my best friend Heather to talk about it and to keep me from crying in public. She did the trick very well. Then I walked to every possible place in town and applied for a job. Still though no one has called, and i have my half of rent and bills to pay. Luckily i have some money set aside in the bank that will last me a while, i just need to get a job, now.

Also my expensive, 4 month old 120 gig zune's screen broke a week ago. The screen still works but i have a HUGE crack going down the screen. I almost cried on the spot. That's really minor though compared to everything else.

Other then that life is doing pretty well. I'm going to my classes, workin hard to pull in the grades. I'm going to a concert next week, Hollywood Undead. I can't wait and max is being nice enough to pay for my ticket. The apartment is doing great, still pretty empty but really great. Soon I will be a legal resident here and on the lease, so I can get health insurance in this area, so if i get sick i wont have to travel three hours to where i do have health insurance. I lost ten pounds while recovering from surgery and am exorcising now so hopefully soon I Will have a rockin body. I want abs so bad, but who doesn't? Max and I are doing really well, once in a while the stress gets to us and small spats ensue, but we always get over it and end up stronger in the end. Which i think is amazing.

Overall I might be jobless but life isn't that bad. I have love, a house and home, friends, and finally i have my health. So I can't complain to much.