It is NOT 9:17 pm!!!!!!!

It is 11:53 at night. I know this because i am still awake. I do not really want to be awake but I am, because it's what I do, and because they are STILL not done with their game. But I'm cool with it because it's not like they are running on only an hour and a half of sleep. Ok, I know, this all sounds really bitter. It kind of is, but as everyone that knows me knows that when I get really tired, depending on what stage of tired that I am on, I get goofy as fuck and end up making weird ass jokes, and then I inevitably hit the sarcastic stage. And during said sarcastic stage I usually end up sounding like a bitch even though I am not meaning to. So really, the above is not me being all grr arrrgh, I'm just a bit sarcastic, but luckily, being in college I have learned how to deal and control this little issue of mine a lot better then I used to. I just wish that I ended up with only an hour and a half of sleep because i was studying or something. Nope. I was up untill 5am with Tiff and Ray in the commons room, playing N64 and talking because I didn't want to be alone. Because if I was alone, I knew that I was going to break down crying, and the people that know me, know that I DON'T cry. God, Heather has been my best friend for something like seven years and she has NEVER seen me cry. We have chatted about this. So because I was around them, there was no way that I could cry because as always, when I am around anyone, I "cowboy up" and keep it all together. Thats just who I am. I was raised to not cry, i was raised to step up, and I was raised in a manner that has royally fucked me up, because honestly, times like this, I think that I should be allowed to cry at. But I just couldn't bring myself to it, not in front of them. I'm to strong and to stupid. The thing is, there was a misunderstanding between Andrew and I by way of texts. And next thing I know, things are being said, and, well, it's a really long story that I would rather not scribe down at this point in time. When I go home I can tell all of you if you like, but I'm not gonna put something this personal here. I'm sorry I just can't. But needless to say, I was very upset. To the point where I couldn't fall asleep until 6am, and somehow awoke at 7:30am, unable to fall back asleep. So I have been on very little sleep. Now so that all of you know, the misunderstanding has been found, brought into the open, and we have decided that we are only going to text when we need to actually convey information back and fourth. And no, the texts that were misunderstood were not of a sexual manner so don't go thinking that. But yeah, we still have to chat about a few things but we are doing much better, which I am so happy for. I don't need a guy to be happy, I know this, but the thing is, I'm so happy when I'm with him, like no matter how shit the rest of my life is, when I'm with him, everything seems to be all rite. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm safe, and that all the shit that likes to pile up is going to get resolved and that I don't need to worry. I just don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose him. The one good thing that came out of this is that when all of the shit hit the fan yesterday, I realized just how much I do love him. Just the thought of losing him pretty much killed me, and it was then that I realized just how much I've come to love him. Of coarse, I realize that this may be my downfall at some point in life. After all, life changes, nothing ever stays the same for to long. But I also realize that I would rather have this life, this happiness, this life rite now, no matter how fleeting, then to never have it at all. It has only been recently that I got that old saying, "that it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all" Sappy I know, and no, I haven't lost him yet, and "knock on wood" I wont for a long time, but no matter what happens, I am glad that I feel this way. Although at times like Sunday night, when it pretty mush killed me, I still didn't regret falling in love with him. for some reason, this feeling is just worth it. I love it. And I realize that I sound like some over dramatic, romancing life, looking-through-rose-colored-glasses, prolly-smoked-some-pot, cliched chick rite now - But sadly enough, I mean every word. I am however very tired, and would like to fall asleep if you don't mind, And the boys are evenly matched in this halo round at 21 to 21, so hopefully soon I will be in my bed, asleep, with Andrew next to me, feeling safe and warm, and so dead to the world that you will all be able to hear my snoring. Good night all. Amd remember, if you put to much soap in a dishwasher, you get bubbles all over the kitchen floor. Trust me...I'm not allowed to use the dishwasher anymore.

Thats not a joke